I Don't Wanna Be a Girl Boss

If you knew me this time last year, you might recall that my life and career goals were a lot different than they are now. I had every intention of being Cowgirl Wonder Woman - a large animal veterinarian running my mobile practice in the plains of Montana or another obscure rural area. I'd be breaking colts on the weekends and eat steak everyday. I wanted to be the intimidating type of wise, a self-made woman that men were scared of. Lol.

If you know me now, you know that I have drastically changed. I went from an Animal Science to Nursing major. I wear blue Birkenstock Bostons and gold hoops almost everyday. I rarely listen to country music (unless if it's pre-1990 or Flatland). My Cinches and Wranglers are collecting dust in my dresser. I put on my silver jewelry for the first time in months today and it felt so wrong. Why? What happened? Let me tell you!

Pinterest: then vs. now lol

There was never a moment in my Cowgirl Wonder Woman phase that I didn't feel like an impostor. I just kept telling myself that this discomfort would fade over time, that I had finally "found who I'm supposed to be" and that it was normal to feel anxiety as I "grew into myself". Which doesn't even make sense. If I was where I needed to be, why did I feel so out of place?

You see, the dream that I had was self-centered and self-serving. I wanted to be a kick-butt veterinarian. I wanted to intimidate all the cowboys as an all-around hand. I wanted to live out west where there's not another human soul for miles. I wanted to be a manly woman, really. Never once did I ask God what He wanted, only for Him to bless the decisions I'd already made.

"The mind of a person plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

This is among the rotation of verses my mom often mentions to me (whether she is aware of it or not). I planned out what I thought was my ideal life. I was using my trauma and hurt to form my goals. It felt somewhat empowering to imagine my future self as gritty, strong, and tough - all on my own! I'd be the rough, untouchable woman that no man could take advantage of again. I'd live alone in the mountains where no friend could betray me. This pitiful, self-absorbed life is not what God has in mind for me. No wonder I felt so out of place, so anxious, so unfulfilled!

Over the spring of this year, God mercifully revealed to me:

1. There is beauty and life that in Christian community. I began to realize I didn't want to be a recluse! I am more of an extrovert than I once thought - I love people!?

2. There is beauty and life in being feminine. I love being a woman!!! It's so sweet, so fun! I literally used to use leather room spray as my "perfume". Now it's "Island Vanilla". I used to have an overpowering, demeaning attitude towards men; I would then complain about the lack of masculinity in men my age. I can't expect a man to seem masculine to me if I'm trying to take his role.

3. There is beauty and life in desiring to start a family. Maybe TMI but I want so many kids. I don't have a specific number but I want to be fruitful and multiply! I used to want ZERO. None.

4. There is beauty and life in seeking God. How fulfilling it is to obey Him!

"for I find my delight in your commandments, which I love. I will lift up my hands toward your commandments, which I love, and I will meditate on your statutes." Psalm 119:47-48

Today, if I could pick any job in the world, it would be a stay-at-home wife and mother. Girl, what a change God has worked in my heart! I know I'm not promised a husband, so I'm still working towards my B.S.N., but if I were to get married sometime soon. . . I digress!

Here are some questions I challenge you to ask yourself and honestly answer.

• Have I ever asked God to direct me in the way I should go?

• If I have done that, did I wait and listen for His answer?

• If I have done that, did I submit to His answer?

I pray this resonated with or encouraged someone. I pray you will laugh at my ignorance and rejoice with me at the work God is doing in me for His glory. May we seek our Savior for satisfaction and meaning!

Your sister in Christ,

Jadyn <3